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  She didn’t answer, dropping her gaze before finally shaking her head.

  He pushed further. “The waking in the middle of the night, seeing the bodies of the men you couldn’t save. Smelling the heavy metallic odor of spilled blood. Gallons and gallons of blood that clots and turns black before the march of feet trample it into the ground. Is that what you see, Lauren?

  “Or the sounds of a construction site, the pneumatic hammers sounding like gunshots, the jackhammers like machine guns that just don’t stop—ever? Asking yourself why everyone is walking around as if there’s no one hiding around the next corner, why they’re all smiling and pretending that life is wonderful when you know the hell that lurks in your memories?”

  His words battered her. He was being a bastard. He knew it. But he couldn’t stop.

  “It doesn’t go away by itself, Lauren. This isn’t a cold that can be cured by some aspirin and vitamin C, it’s not even like grief that will heal with time. What you’re feeling goes deeper than grief because you know what you were like before. Before you went over there, before you became a monster who dealt out life and death with split-second decisions.

  “And now you’re home, a place that’s supposed to be safe except the world has completely changed. Only it hasn’t. You have. And that’s what you can’t deal with.”

  Tears slid silently down Lauren’s cheeks. A sob escaped and she clenched her fist to her mouth as if to push it back in. John felt like a heel. He hadn’t intended to go so far. He’d started out to make the case for the two of them to talk about their wartime service and gotten caught up in his own damn memories.

  “Lauren, I’m sorry. I got carried away.”

  She shook her head, her entire body tense with the effort to regain control. After a moment, she gulped down a deep breath and opened her mouth to answer. It took a few tries, however, before she managed an entire sentence.

  “No…every…everything you said…is right. I do have nightmares, and I obviously jump…jump at every loud noise. I sometimes find myself shaking when I’m not cold and I can’t drive down the street without watching every parked car for hidden IEDs.”

  Her voice grew steadier as she spoke. “People I knew before—they look at me and see the old Lauren. They expect me to laugh and be witty and have fun the way I used to.” She shook her head and her sigh came out a little ragged as she made her confession. “And I’m not that girl anymore. And I miss her.”

  The tears welled up again. John held out his arms and she stepped into them. The light in the parking lot only dimly lit this corner but he didn’t need it to feel how perfectly her body fit into his. Her head rested on his shoulder, her arms curled up, one hand again covering her mouth as if to silence the emotions that spilled out. He gentled her and realized that he relaxed as she calmed. Perhaps it wasn’t she who needed him but he who needed her.

  The door of the restaurant opened, letting out a noisy foursome. Instinctively John turned her so they would not see her or her tears.

  “I think I know exactly what you need,” he murmured into her hair, inhaling the sweet scent of her perfume. She smelled like a spice, not a flower and it suited her.

  Taking a steadying breath, she looked up at him, her composure slowly returning. “Oh?”

  He nodded. “Yep. The night is still young and I—”

  The stricken look on her face made him realize the enormity of the error he was about to make. Without missing a beat, he changed his mind and headed off in an entirely different direction. “Wouldn’t mind walking off some of that meal. Would madam care for a walk along the lakeshore?”

  That got him a tentative smile and a nod.

  “Shall we?” John handed her inside the SUV before climbing in through the driver’s door, starting up and pulling out of the lot.

  Once the playground of the city’s rich and poor alike, only one bathhouse still remained on the sandy beaches of Lake Ontario north of Rochester and one lonely carousel that still gave rides every summer. On a beautiful summer’s eve like tonight, the jetty out along the Genesee River would be teeming with people enjoying the fresh air. Abbot’s ice-cream stand would be doing a brisk business and the Penny Arcade would have a crowd spilling onto the sidewalks.

  As expected, traffic was heavier the closer to the lake they got. He pulled into a parking lot off to the right, finding a spot far from the action. Lauren had gone quiet on him, so he simply got out and went around to her side of the car.

  She beat him to it this time, jumping out of the big vehicle just as he got there. The uneven ground, however, wasn’t meant for her heels and she stumbled. John caught her in his arms, liking how she fit. She looked up, her face dimly lit by a lamp too far away for its light to do more than glimmer in this corner of the lot. He couldn’t resist and bent down to brush her lips with his.

  He intended just a small kiss. Honest. Just a taste. But her body molded to his and the kiss deepened. Her fingers pressed against his chest in hungry exploration and he responded, tightening his hold and pulling her closer. When they parted, a sultry gleam glimmered in her eyes. “I changed my mind. I don’t want to take a walk tonight,” she murmured.

  John stepped back, unsure if she meant what he thought she meant. He took her chin and gently turned her face to the light. The sultry look flickered a moment before settling into place. He dropped his hand.

  “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

  “That’s not what I… John…”

  He reached around her and opened the door. “Let’s talk. Inside.”

  John put the windows down, letting the fresh-water scent of the lake blow through. The breeze lifted strands of Lauren’s hair, giving him a perfect opportunity. Leaning over, he tucked a stray behind her ear and pulled her close to him, kissing her again to let her know he wasn’t angry. Her lips felt hungry under his, except he didn’t really know what she was hungry for. For that matter, he wasn’t sure what he wanted either. But he knew she pulled at his heartstrings in a way he hadn’t felt in a very long time. Despite her damaged psyche, she intrigued him. He deepened the kiss before ending it, pleased when she didn’t pull away.

  When it ended, for several seconds, neither said anything. The sounds of the lakeshore’s nightlife wafted in on the night air. When they finally spoke, they overlapped each other.

  “John, I really like you…”

  “Lauren, I don’t know what you want…”

  He smiled and she chuckled nervously. With a gesture, she indicated he should go first. Reaching over, he took her hand in his. “I really enjoyed dinner tonight.”

  “So did I.”

  “More than I thought I would.”

  That surprised her. She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Oh?”

  “Yesterday you caught my eye with not only your skill on the field but your charm afterward.”

  Lauren snorted. She’d flirted, yes. But been charming? She doubted that.

  “If I hadn’t been intrigued, I wouldn’t have asked for a date.” His tone mildly scolded and Lauren nodded, unrepentant. She took refuge in humor when people got too close. And John treaded far too near the line.

  “So now I have a dilemma. I can take you to my house and have my way with you…”

  “Tied and made love to all night long, I believe was your promise.”

  She meant to egg him on, get him angry so he’d just take her home, since it was becoming increasingly clear to her that he was trying to let her down gently.

  “It was,” he agreed without a trace of rancor in his voice. “I find myself, however, asking if tonight’s the right night to do that.”

  “It is Sunday night. I suppose you have work in the morning? Summer school or some such?”

  “No, I don’t teach in the summers. It’s my time to do research.”

  Damn him. He remained unflappable, even as she got snippier.

  “Lauren, I like you. I’d like to get to know you more. But you deflect every question, every topic that has to do wi
th you. I could still take you home, tie you up and make love to you all night long, except that I’d only be making love to your body, not your heart. And I already know I want more than that with you. You deserve more than that.”

  His hand squeezed hers but she had no strength to squeeze back. Her thoughts whirled. How did you argue with a man who understood you needed more than just a one-night stand? What woman would complain about a man who wanted her for more than just her body? Finally she nodded. “Thank you.” She looked over at him, glad for the shadows that prevented him from seeing the tear that escaped. “I’m not used to… I’ve kept people at a distance for a long time. It’s hard for me to let anyone in.”

  “I know.” His voice sounded soft, reassuring. “I will only come in as far as you want me to. I’m not going to force you.” His hand squeezed hers. “But know I’m not going away. I’m very serious when I say I want to know you better.”

  “Thank you. I want to know you better too.”

  “Even though neither of us has anything pressing to do tomorrow, I think I should be getting you home.”

  Lauren nodded, liking the feel of his goatee on the back of her hand as he gave it a chaste kiss.

  They drove to her apartment in near silence, each thinking over the other’s comments. Although she didn’t say anything as he drove down the streets, her hands, clenched together on her lap, told him all he needed to know.

  He also knew he couldn’t rush her. Her breathing had returned to normal and some of the tension had gone from her shoulders. Didn’t matter. She’d have nightmares tonight. So would he. Stopping in front of her apartment, he turned off the engine.

  “Lauren…”

  She turned to him, a sad smile on her lips. “Thank you, John. I really enjoyed myself tonight. It’s been awhile since I let myself…” He waited as she struggled for the right words. “Since I let my guard down,” she finished.

  “I’m honored you felt safe enough with me to do that.”

  Lauren chuckled. “I don’t know what it is about you, but you’re right. ‘Safe’ is the operative word here. There’s something about you that makes me want to curl up in your arms and…”

  “And?”

  She shrugged and her head dipped down. Her hair fell like a curtain in front of her face and John knew she’d made the movement deliberately. She wasn’t quite ready to share all her secrets with him. When she didn’t answer, he took her hand, running his thumb along the length of her slender fingers. “Lauren, you are safe with me. And to prove it, I’m going to walk you to that door and see you inside and then I’m going to go away and not press my advantage when you’re feeling vulnerable.”

  Her head shot up at that. “Vulnerable? I’m a big girl and can take care of myself, thank you very much.”

  Obviously he’d hit a nerve. Patient, he sat and waited. Finally, she caved and smiled.

  “Okay, so maybe I need a little help now and again.” She grinned and John liked seeing her so relaxed. “But I’m not totally helpless, you know.”

  “I know. I’d like to see you again.”

  “Even after my meltdown?”

  “Probably because of your meltdown.”

  She arched her eyebrow at him. “Oh? I appeal to your knight’s sense of chivalry? You’re going to rescue a damsel in distress?”

  Her voice had gone cold and John suddenly realized the thin ice he stood on. There was some truth to her statement but there was more too. He liked her. He’d found her competent on the field of battle, so to speak, been intrigued enough by her beauty to ask her out and then enjoyed their banter over dinner. Until her meltdown she’d been pretty close to a normal date.

  Then she’d shown him a deeper side that he’d only caught glimpses of before, a side that had seen the same horrors he had. How many women had gone screaming into the night because of his nightmares? Lauren wouldn’t. John was sure of it. He couldn’t let her go.

  His head tilted a little to the side as if considering. “Probably there is some of that.” He smiled a little sheepishly. “Honor and glory and all that. And a mother who’d smack me upside the head if I didn’t show proper respect to women.”

  She smiled at that, but the air of waiting still hung between them. He wasn’t off the hook yet.

  “Truth is, you intrigue me. I want to see you again because you’re fun to be with, you’re cute,” he paused to bop her nose with his finger before going serious again, “and I see some of myself in you.”

  She dropped her pretense. “I’d like to see you again too, John. Not,” she added quickly, “because I see you as my knight in shining armor swooping in to rescue me from the dragons of my nightmares, although,” she raised her shoulders in a gesture of surrender, “having someone to do that does cross my mind now and again.” Lauren raised the latch of the door and stepped out. As John came around the front of the car, she completed her thought.

  “I’d like to see you again because you’re one of the good guys.”

  He laughed outright at that. “Then I’d best not tarnish my reputation, Miss Lauren. Shall I see you to your door?”

  “I’d be delighted if you would, Mr. McAllen.”

  She’d put on an excellent Southern drawl and he couldn’t help but laugh again. At the door to her apartment, he waited as she unlocked the door. When he heard the door down the hall snick open, he leaned in to whisper in her ear.

  “Shall we give Mrs. Boorman something more to discuss with the neighbors?”

  Lauren stifled a giggle and turned to face him. “You do have a mean streak, John McAllen.” She smiled coyly. “I like that in a man.”

  “Stop talking, Miss Lauren.”

  To be sure she followed his orders, he covered her lips with his. She was soft and pliant in his arms and for a moment John regretted his decision to be honorable. When she pressed back, he pulled her closer but didn’t push his advantage. Releasing her, he let his arms drop. “‘Til next time?” He pushed open her door.

  “‘Til next time,” she answered and floated inside.

  The door shut and John glanced down the hall and saw the squinting eyes of Mrs. Boorman. He nodded his head and tipped his imaginary hat before sauntering down the hall, down the stairs and out to his car. Tonight had been a promising beginning.

  Chapter Four

  Lauren leaned against the door, still feeling the touch of his lips on hers. She wanted him. Desperately. So much so she made a half move to open the door and call him back. Her hand stayed on the doorknob, though, not turning it as second thoughts set in.

  She’d wondered what it would be like to kiss a man with a goatee and she’d certainly found out. His beard and mustache tickled a little, but she found it arousing. A man like John McAllen would know how to use that tickle to great advantage. In the darkness of her apartment, she smiled wickedly, thinking about how those whiskers would feel if he were to go down on her.

  Dropping her purse on the small table, she turned to lean against the door. She remembered his arms around her, how comforted she’d felt, how protected. Tie her up and make love to her? With those muscles? She didn’t have a chance.

  The more she thought about it, the hornier she got. Maybe she should’ve persuaded him to come in and ravish her. That kiss certainly held promise. She shook her head as she pushed herself away from the door. No, she’d done the right thing. They both had. She wanted more from John McAllen than a one-nighter and she’d certainly gotten the impression he did too.

  A night-light in the bathroom gave her plenty of light to make her way to the bedroom, her mind still filled with thoughts of his kiss. Shedding her little black dress, she thought of what it would be like to have his powerful hands sliding the straps down her arms, resting on her waist and pulling her toward him.

  Her eyes slid to the drawer in the nightstand. Yes, definitely a night for her little toy. Quickly, she took off the rest of her clothes and pulled out the vibrator that had become her best friend over the past few months. About e
ight inches long and only an inch in diameter, the motor on this little puppy had proven worth the price she’d paid for it.

  While overseas, a former boyfriend had sent her a stuffed panda bear as a romantic gift. Lauren hadn’t much cared for the boyfriend by then, but the panda fit under her shoulder just right when she slept. A night hadn’t gone by since that she hadn’t slept with that stuffed animal. Nameless, it had received her tears when she’d been upset, been thrown against walls when she’d been frustrated, and served as a wonderful pressure point when she’d needed sexual relief.

  Turning the vibe to high, she placed it so the tip sat right over her clit and almost came right away. She fell onto the bed, grabbed the panda and shoved it between her legs so it would hold the vibe in place, then rolled onto her stomach. Perfect.

  She thought of John’s arms again and those incredible shoulders. Her hand wouldn’t even cover his entire shoulder, she realized. His body, so powerful, so graceful, could cover hers completely. He’d rein in that power, his touch light and gentle as his hands explored her body, finding the spots that were ticklish, finding the spots that made her putty in his hands.

  And then? When he’d turned her muscles to jelly, would he press his advantage? Would he get out the ropes and tie her up for real? Lauren had had that fantasy before. What woman hadn’t? Of being tied and taken. All the fun and none of the responsibility.

  But John would make her responsible. He’d want her to submit willingly, she just knew it. The tension between her legs jumped exponentially. To put herself at his mercy? She imagined the ropes around her wrists and ankles, his hands roaming across her skin at will, the vulnerability, his goatee brushing against her skin, his hot breath across her pussy.

  With a cry, she let herself fall over the edge, her body convulsing in waves of pleasure as John’s imaginary tongue flicked across her clit. Giving up the fantasy, she rode the waves as they broke and grew smaller. Only when the last of them ebbed away did she grin and roll over. Damn but he was good—and he wasn’t even here.